I really should not put my laptop by my bed when I sleep. Because while I’m lying there trying fall asleep, I’ll inevitably think of something to open my laptop and do. Like write this blog post.
I’ve realized that it is absolutely essential that I go out and meet people and do meaningful things with my life. Recently I’ve been focusing a lot on self improvement: Cleaning, working out, bike riding, reading, cooking – good things to do, but ultimately activities that I do alone. I used to think that making new friends would come naturally; that I didn’t necessarily need to force myself into social situations. My reasoning was that I wouldn’t necessarily get along with the types of people at the events that I would force myself to go to. But while that may be true, there’s still a remote possibility that I’d find someone I got along well with, and that chance should be reason enough for me to go. Like Matt Damon said in Rounders, “You can’t lose what you don’t put in the pot… but you can’t win much either.” Okay, that probably wasn’t a great analogy, but the point is that I’m not going to find new friends if I don’t even try. I’m at an age where I seriously need to start putting myself in situations that can help me end up where I want to be later in life. Being married and starting a family in my early thirties is beginning to look like it’s in real jeopardy with my current social outlook.
Even though I get along with most people, I realized that I generally don’t like hanging out with them. Not that we don’t get along, but I’d have to spend a lot of time worrying about how I’m being perceived, thinking about what I say, etc. instead of just relaxing and enjoying their company. That’s probably the reason my friends are a very select group. Actually, there’s more to it than that. If given enough time, I think I can become pretty good friends with almost anyone. It’s just I don’t give myself much of a chance because I’m always comparing new people I’ve just met to the people I’m really good friends with already. The reason I got to be such good friends with everyone in yearbook during college was because we were forced to work together. If we weren’t brought together through work though, I think I wouldn’t even have given most of those friendships a chance. It made me incredibly sad to type that, but it’s the awful, unforgiving truth. I’m a terribly awkward person to meet for the first time, which just compounds the problem. I hate being in unfamiliar situations. Maybe it’s because I’m too unsure of myself. I’ve never considered myself to have self-confidence issues before, but maybe that’s what this all boils down to. But no matter how much I hate it, it’s something that I absolutely must change as soon as possible. Because even though I’m not miserable by any stretch right now, I’m certainly not happy. I’m more or less just getting by, in denial of the fact that I need to change anything. Changing the familiar is a really difficult thing for me, but It’s something that must be done. Kind of like eating your vegetables as a kid. It’s just I don’t have anyone to force me to do it this time, so it’s that much harder.
